A birthday wish

Today is my precious Michael's birthday. He should be 23, married with kids or in college somewhere. We can't have the party we want, because we lost him 5 years ago. Now we have to go to his grave for the happy birthday wishes.

I would give almost anything to change that horrible day in March, but I don't have any candles of my own to make that wish.

I love you, Michael, and will forever and a day.

Where did the last 5 years go?

It's been five years since our beloved Michael left us. It wasn't his choice, but someone had other ideas and decided he was needed elsewhere. I can still remember the day in crystal clarity, the sounds, the smells, the screams. It was all so surreal, it couldn't be happening. Til this day, I keep expecting him to walk in through the door.

That morning, I was home alone waiting for the plumber to fix a clogged up pipe when my cousin Jeffrey called me to come to our cousin Kristen's house. I couldn't leave the house, but he was insistent that his mother needed Mom and me right away. There was something about his voice that made me know something was wrong. I called a friend to housesit for me, called my mother at work, picked her up and we raced to Brockway to see what was wrong.

We walked in the door and Judy was there. She looked fine, but Jeffrey's wife put her arms on me and said, "Michael Baxter was killed this morning." WHAT?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I looked over at his mom and she was just sitting there, not able to move with tears flowing. His sister was in her room screaming and crying uncontrolably. I drop to the floor. It can't be real. Why was she saying such a horrible lie? Michael is only 17, he can't be gone.

I hug Kristen for a minute then go back to find Jessa. I just held her until she calmed down a bit, then I had to find my kids. Nobody would give me the keys to their phone, so I called my mother-in-law to please get my kids and bring them to me. She agreed and I called the schools to say she would be picking up the kids soon and I had no idea when they would be back. Then I had to call the rest of the extended family and Randy at work to come for me. Jeffrey ran to pick up my dad.

I can still hear the screams as each new family member was brought in the house and told what happened. Then the funeral home director called and said he wouldn't recommend an open casket and felt we shouldn't even see him. How can that happen? We never got to see our beautiful boy again? It can't be real. Please, let me wake up now. This nightmare has to end soon.

I've written about the horror many times over the last five years on here and it's pretty easy to find them. I'll never forget what happened, how can I? We're not supposed to bury our children. I don't know how Kristen keeps going. Her three girls are her life and now she's finally found a wonderful man who loves her and the girls. She's smiling again. Yes, she still cries a lot and always will, but is able to live again. She's so strong.

To remember the day, the family got together at his favorite Chinese restaurant. I wasn't able to go because it was senior day to take your parents to school. Randy went in my place.

I know we'll all be together again some day. My religious views might not be the same as yours, but I think everyone agrees that a child goes straight to Heaven, Summerland or the Happy Hunting Grounds. It's a straight shot there with no stops. He's no doubt watching me now, shaking his head and telling me to stop crying, he's fine and it doesn't hurt. I can even see him.

Until we meet again, Michael, I'll love you forever and a day.

I miss you, Michael

Today should be a day of celebration. A day for our extended family to get together and celebrate our Michael's 22nd birthday. If only we could. Four years ago on March 3, he left this world after a car accident on his way to school that morning. Now all we can do is visit a grave.

Even though it's been over 4 years, I can still see the entire day and hear the screams. I would give anything to have just five more minutes with him. Just one more hug or to hear his voice again. I still expect to wake up from the nightmare. It can't be real! He was so young and full of life. Seventeen years just isn't enough time. He deserved so much more.

As if I could forget the day, Sweet Child of Mine woke me up today. That was played at his funeral. Our family was always close, but I think we're even closer now. We know how fast we can lose that vital link. I never let my children leave the house without a kiss, hug and an "I love you."

While I was out blasting Green Day and Rammstein on a power walk, I saw this gorgeous sky. It always reminds me that there is something more waiting. Not all believe, I'm not out to change anyone's belief system, just speak on mine. It's almost enough to allow us to see into the Summerland. So beautiful. So needed today when all I can see is the blackness.

Until we meet again, Michael, I'll love you forever and a day.

Three years ago today

My precious cousin Michael was killed while driving to school. He was only 17 and had his entire life ahead of him. He hit an icy spot and that was it. I'll never forget the screams and looks when each member of the family was told what had happened. The visitation and funeral were torture. We couldn't have an open casket, so didn't even get that last chance to see his face and say good bye. I'm not sure if that was easier or not. There were hundreds of kids there from the three towns he had lived in. He had friends in every group, he didn't care what a person looked like, whether or not they had money or any of those superficial things. He was one of a kind.

I created a video to showcase his short life and you can find it at this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dSVIBXe2HA

Until we meet again, Michael, I'll love you forever and a day.

Happy Birthday, Michael

Today is another one of those bitter-sweet days in life. Our beloved Michael should be celebrating his 20th birthday. He should be doing all the fun things kids that age do. He should be in his second year of college or married with a baby or two, but we can't watch him blow out the candles on his cake, all we can do is go visit his grave.



Michael was killed two and a half years ago in a car accident on his way to school. In one short moment, all the promise of a wonderful life was gone. He was a musician and could play the guitar like a star at only 17. Michael was my cousin, my godson, my son's hero and best friend. I still have a hard time accepting he's gone. I know in my head he is, but in my heart, I can't believe it's true. I still can hear the screams when we were told what happened that horrific day in March. It couldn't be true, but it was. I close my eyes and I can see the day in crystal clear detail. I wish I could wipe it from my mind, but it just won't go away.

Until we meet again, Michael, I'll love you forever and a day.

It's been two years today

How is it possible that our Michael has been gone two years? I look at his photos, listen to his music and it seems like I could almost reach out and touch him again. He's going to be forever frozen at 17. Young and full of life and promise that will never be fulfilled.

I'll never be able to forget that day. It started out with our sewer pipe blocking, but that would be the best part of the day.

When Jeffrey called and asked me to get there now, I should have known something bad happened. When he said to get Mom, I knew it, just not the horror we'd be walking into. I can still hear the screams when each one of our family members got there and heard the news. See them falling. The funeral was a nightmare. We couldn't have an open casket. I'm not sure if that was better. We didn't have to see him there, but we also didn't get to see him one last time.

I created a video for him. You can check it out at

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dSVIBXe2HA

Until we meet again, I'll love you forever and a day.