Thursday, March 16, 2006

It's not getting easier

Yesterday was another bad day. I couldn't stop crying. I just miss my boy so much, the pain is eating away my life.

I had to be at Trevor's play last night. I only cried a little there, but it was pretty obvious I was in a bad place. People kept looking at me funny. I don't care what people say or think about me, but I try to keep it from Trevor. He's too little to have to deal with any more than he already has. We get home and I call Michael's mom and we just sit on the phone crying together. I'll go see her tomorrow night. She took her 10-year old daughter to the grave for the first time yesterday and she isn't handling anything well. She refuses to talk at all. Kids are starting to bring things up to leave at his grave. I know it'll become a shrine before too long. Everyone loved him so much.

My eyes are all red and puffy today and I have yet another lovely headache brewing. They've been pretty much non-stop since we got the news on March 3. Nothing will help them go away and not sleeping makes them worse. I can't sleep because my head hurts and my head hurts because I can't sleep. It's such a vicious cycle.

Hubby is working 12-hours shifts, so I'm alone a lot. I know it isn't good for me, but I can't stand to be around people either. Hearing that "things will get easier" doesn't help. They won't get better or easier. I may find a way to deal with the pain, but it'll never be easy. I suppose it's just something people say when they don't know what else to say, but it doesn't help. It just makes me cry again.

I try to be positive and know that I need to get moving on healing, but everywhere I turn, something reminds me of him. Of course, I have photos, songs, the smell of his body spray (Trevor wears Axe, too). I can't even pick up a book because we had the same taste and he was always borrowing my fantasy novels. I close my eyes and see his smile. I think I'll go where the accident happened and he died this weekend. Maybe I'll be able to say good bye there? I have to do something before I fall completely apart and can't get back.

2 Comments:

Blogger SkyeBlue2U said...

Hi Gretchen, just want to let you know your in my prayers daily.

4:46 PM  
Blogger Gretchen said...

Thanks. It does help to know.

2:07 PM  

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